XWP Episode Recap: 1x13: Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards

Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards
Episode 1x13
By Rye B. Old
Screencaps from miroirdarc.com

    I’m gonna live forever…Fame! I mean…bard?

    Whatever.

    After telling a story in a tavern for some dough (and thus soothing any ruffians who might normally have tried picking her up), Gabrielle is approached by yet another wholesome young man with ‘90s hair. He tells her about The Bard Competition, which he’s entering in hopes of gaining entrance to the New York City High School of the Performing Arts Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards and that she should enter, too.

        ‘90s Hair Boy: You’re so good at stories!
        Gabrielle: I like stories. Do you like stories?

        ‘90s Hair Boy: I like telling stories, too!

        Gabrielle: OMFG stories!!!

    So, completely forgetting the death of her asthmatic (or whatever was wrong with him) friend Talus, Iolaus, Perdicus, what’s-his-face from The Titans, etc., and possibly to show up 90’s Hair Boy’s condescending, control-freak father, Gabrielle is joyfully Tartarus-bent on going to New York Athens and will most likely get googly-eyed at ‘90s Hair Boy.

    By the way, we know ‘90s Hair Boy’s father is not to be liked because he: a) thinks girls shouldn’t be bards and assumed Gabby’s story was ‘cute’ and about housework, and: b) wants his son to crush the competition, not crush on them. I guess this dude was the pre-Mycean equivalent of a Dragon Mother.

    Anyway, Gabrielle’s decision means she’ll be reversing the norm: she’ll leaving Xena for once. The latter has a gig defending innocent, delicious cattle from a giant (or something), and they have a sweet, teary goodbye at the tavern. Gabrielle says if she gets accepted to the Academy, she might be gone four or five years, and Xena tries not to look sad.

      

        Xena: You’re like a sister to me.
        Gabrielle: So…this isn’t a subtext moment?

        Xena: Nah, you’re like family. Uh, ‘kay, bye.

   

    She leaves abruptly, leaving Gabrielle to cry for about three seconds and ruining what really was a tender moment.

   Meanwhile, at The Academy, Gabrielle meets 90’s Hair Boy again, plus some other wannabe bards. She submits a fake application to the no-nonsense admissions lady who looks appropriately doubtful about the falsified form but lets her into the competition anyway.

   So what happens? The aspiring young bards tell stories. They encourage each other. They think 90’s Hair Boy’s dad is kind of a dink. They tell more stories, and Gabrielle can’t shut up about her best friend Xena.

    So…basically nothing happens, because, in short, it’s a clip show. It’s so clippy, in fact, that there are clips from OTHER things. Like Spartacus. So, mixed in with Gabrielle’s stories with Xena (and Hercules) clips (‘cause obviously, all of Gabby’s stories are all about how awesome and butch Xena is, and namedrops about how they’re ‘best friends’ every three seconds), we also get to look at Kirk Douglas and other things that don’t belong in this show.

   Gabrielle and her four new friends (Euripides, Stallonus, Twickenham, and ‘90s Hair Boy, whom we later learn is Homer) are delightfully non-competitive and encourage one another and get all chummy; the four dudes even refuse to participate in The Bard Competition once the powers that be realize Gabrielle shouldn’t be there and want to boot her out. She tells such a great story that the Head Bard Academy Dude says it’s a sin they wanted to kick her out, she should be allowed to compete, and encouraging music swells, etc., etc.

   Gabby doesn’t end up getting into the school despite how amazing everyone thinks she is, Homer makes amends with his control-freak father, gives Gabs a G-rated kiss cheek, and Gabrielle rejoins on Xena the road. Just…randomly strolling down the road, there, and they meet up, and as stupid as that encounter is it makes me happy and I don’t know why.

    To her credit, Gabrielle deals with rejection pretty well, and says she’d rather be living adventures than telling them anyway, so it’s all good.

    Then there’s a band of dumb-looking, growling thugs in the road, who stand there and pause and growl long enough for Gabrielle to say, ‘This is gonna make a great story!’

Annnnd. Scene.

    Well, it’s cute, I guess, but clip shows are usually not so hot anyway. And why are they always Gabrielle-centric? Not that I’m complaining; I’m a Gab fan myself. But I’m curious—was that to give Lucy Lawless a breather? I suppose it must have been. Now, if I had the money to go to a convention, and if I had the guts to get up and ask a question, that might be it.

   I guess there isn’t much else to say about this one.